Reading week is here, I have some time. Thus this is in the works! I won’t be able to finish it, but I will post it, as long as I get to the main point. But before that, a little bit of context. I feel weird. Like something is off and I just don’t know what! Something deep inside my soul or heart has been displaced and I don’t know where to begin to look. Or maybe I’m sick again. Probably that. Under these circumstances, I do a little inventory check to see if I am doing okay. Here is a rendition of how it usually goes:

Did I exercise today? Yes.

Did I eat enough today? I could eat more not gonna lie. But I’m broke ;(

Did you spend time with friends recently? Do you want to have a nice chat with someone? I spent time with some people, but I wanted a deeper connection with others, I don’t often get that. I should branch out more.

Where am I at mentally? I’m feeling like I’m dragging myself along a little with school. Being tired, sleeping in, doing things last minute.

I feel like it is taking me longer to get tasks done because I can’t focus, or that I need time to process the information. My schedule is a bit erratic at the same time.

Okay, so I am getting a little bogged down, but I’ve got a couple days left until reading week starts. How can I keep my chin up and keep going?

This little dialogue goes on for a little bit, until I get a feel for what I can and can’t do. At this point, I had to be vulnerable with myself to know what I needed and where I am truly at in terms of mental and physical capacity. It’s difficult to be vulnerable, especially with others. Take in point this kickboxing example:

The bell goes, the round starts, you have your guard up. But you’re overly rigid and twitchy( as I still am with sparring). Any small jitter of the opponent sends your reflexes into a flurry and you use all you can to block or evade a hit. Your tight guard blocks your line of sight, you can’t see your opponent effectively or read their moves. You block the punches, you check the kicks, you evade some more. You throw some punches back, some land, others get cleanly countered. But all while you use so much energy and you quickly gas yourself out. Your uptight guard has you exhausted and your shoulders burn for your mistake of being tightly guarded.

Your tight guard does a really damn good job of protecting you, but it’s exhausting. Your mind is constantly building walls and fortifying the fortress such that you don’t get hurt, just as your arms are. Most of us don’t want to get punched in the face, others find a thrill in it. But we can all agree that majority of us don’t like pain to the fullest degree. We don’t want to be vulnerable because we know how it ends. Us being hurt and putting up our guard once more, possibly for the final time.

To never again open up, because I know how this ends.

But I think there is value in being vulnerable. Sure we get hurt, we tumble, we fall, we eat a punch to the face. Sometimes those we trust most know where our wounds are and aim for them. But being vulnerable gives us room to breath and does so much more. Take in point another kickboxing example:

In the minute break in between, you thought about what you could do differently, to conserve energy. The second round starts. You go back in. You read the distance, your guard is lowered because you know it takes longer for them a punch to travel. You use your legs to distance them. You push them away. You force their guard with blitz, you move around, you flow. Your body relaxes, you use less energy, you focus on your breathing. You accept that you'll get hit, but you can walk it off. Your momentum opens you up for combinations and maneuvering. You still get tired, your mind and body working in tandem. The bell rings.

Having your guard more relaxed and easier to flow gives us more opportunities.